Are You A Functioning Adult? Do You Know How To Hold A Wine Glass?

Warm wine is a great travesty of the human condition. Perhaps most tragic about the faux-pas is that it is almost entirely preventable -- if you hold your glass correctly.

Many people don't, according to writer Anthony Giglio from Food & Wine.

The "Wine Wise Guy," terribly frustrated by this beverage-handling epidemic, wrote a list of three common offenses frequently committed by wine drinkers. He blames TV.

1) "The Housewives Of Hold"

If you tend to grasp your Merlot in a way that shows off your rings more than it keeps your wine cool, you're pulling a Housewives Of Hold. This means you're grabbing your wine glass by the bowl, your fingers fanned out to display your bling to guests as you traipse through hallways and gesture to prize possessions, your diamond ring glinting in the light. You sip on your wine only to find that it's warm, but you're not entirely displeased because you at least got some compliments on your jewels.

2) "The Hail Mary Pass Hold"

Are you grasping the bowl of your wine glass like it's a football you're about to fling to player number six? That's a Hail Mary Pass Hold, bro. You'd probably much rather be drinking a beer, but the social situation in which you've found yourself -- probably a date or fancy dinner -- is more of a wine deal. What's worse is that your wine has #nochill. That's because you've been warming it with your hands.

3) "The Masterpiece Theater Hold"

It's another night at the theatahh, and you're craving a sophisticated libation. You settle on a glass of cabernet, which you do the injustice of holding by an upward-facing palm, the stem of the glass tucked between two fingers. The bottom of the bowl is cozily cradled in your hand, and all seems right with the world until you take a long-awaited sip. Your wine is warm. Your night, once delightfully dramatic, dull.

As Giglio has kindly pointed out, there are many ways to mishold a glass o' wine, but there is really only one right way.

To keep your wine the ideal temperature, simply grip your glass by the rod between the base and the bowl.

If you, like many, feel that this is less comfortable than handling the glass some other way, and you don't mind warm wine, hold it the correct way for this reason only: It is the rod's sole existential purpose, and the rod does not deserve to feel useless. 

Plus, you'll have to wash your glass by hand later. Gripping it by the stem will keep your oily fingerprints off the bowl.