Fast-food options in America may be fantastically varied, but one chain's unparalleled knack for cranking out gastronomic monstrosities sets them in a tier all of their own. That's right — Carl's Jr. is back at it again with some all-new variations of their signature American Thickburger, along with several other creations almost guaranteed to leave patrons incapacitated and whimpering on the floor.
O say, can you see the ghost of Uncle Sam, saluting us from beyond the grave?
According to E!, there are eight as-of-yet unreleased menu items, and they all appear to promote the same ideology: When it comes to fast food, less is ridiculous, and more is probably still not enough.
Among the meatier of the options is the Meatball Thickburger (think "Lady and the Tramp," but instead of dogs and spaghetti, two thick pieces of toast struggle their way together, separated only by a massive beef patty … that's been topped with marinara sauce … and smothered by Italian meatballs … and then garnished with mozzarella cheese).
Other meat-centric offerings include the Pizza Thickburger, the Burgerito (which is exactly what it sounds like: a burrito-burger hybrid) and fries topped with cheese and slices of pepperoni.
Dessert items include the Bisnut (the cronut’s baby cousin who shows up dressed in last night's rave outfit to family reunions) and a Birthday Cake Shake (okay, this one actually sounds pretty good).
While the new menu might read a bit excessive to some, these innovations are perhaps unsurprising coming from Andrew Puzder, the same CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s parent company CKE Restaurants who has made headlines for his offensive proclivities when it comes to promoting his chain.
The man thrives on controversy.
“If you don't complain, I go to the head of marketing and say, 'What's wrong with our ads?’” Puzder told Entrepreneur in 2015.
"I like our ads," he added. "I like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis. I think it's very American."
Well, Mr. Puzdner, if by “American” you mean “repulsive” or possibly even “obscene,” we're with you 100 percent. As to the (drunk) diners brave enough to taste-test the items when they eventually debut: Good riddance, and good luck.