How to Know You’re Dining at a Sketchy Place
This is the innate feeling that looms over you as you pull into the parking lot as your eyes peer over the empty parking spaces, flickering OPEN sign and dinky building. While your mind signals to turn around real quick, your stomach decides otherwise as you waltz right into your stomach’s uncertain destiny.
Upon entering, you scan the room to feel out the space. Here are warning signs that your dining experience will be potentially weird:
- If there are only one or two people workin’ the spot (or if there’s more worker-bee’s than customers).
- The restaurant doesn’t take credit card - cash only.
- The restaurant doesn’t have a website and is in a location that sets the stage for possible kidnappings.
- The silverware looks and feels dingy.
- There’s no music playing other than a strange man whistling in the back of the kitchen.
Hey, what fun is life without a little risk (or stomach virus), right?
What to Order
You’re scooted into your booth, menu is displayed in front of you and a slight perspiring occurs as this dining realization sets in. No need to fret, follow these guidelines to * hopefully * avoid any culinary mishaps.
First, drink order. If possible, bottled beverages are a go-to and no, you don’t need to pour it over ice (we have all heard the whisperings about restaurant ice). This is the opportune time to drink a bottled beer at noon or cave into your canned soda craving - just think of this as a safety precaution, okay?
Secondly, and most importantly, food order. Swerve far, far away from dishes that require, well, skill. Not to knock the chef’s ability (sometimes these unique establishments are pure gems) but it is better to be safe than sorry. Chase simplicity and things that are easy to inspect: salads, grilled cheese, french fries, quesadilla, etc. You can always spice up these meals with condiments. Really feening for protein? Order a burger or steak, but make sure it’s well done. It is better to eat a hockey puck than a hazardous undercooked burger.
Lastly, dessert. If your stomach isn’t doing summersaults just yet, then go for it. Live your life. If you are feeling a storm brewing within you, dip out. Ask for the check and head to the closest drugstore to snag some Tums.